The idea that “people” could be more than “one person” each was something I was introduced to by online friends as early as middle school. I always thought it was neat. Really cool, even. But these terms and experiences couldn’t possibly describe ME… could they?
I didn’t really know what “made” someone plural or if I’d ever know what it was like to be in their head. I just shrugged off anything that might feel like a sign. Pretended my existence WAS that of a single, coherent self, and constantly yelled at myself because of it. It’s kind of hard to conceptualize what your problems with yourself are when you aren’t even operating under a proper understanding of what exactly a “you” is.
The thing that makes my thoughts on plurality so complicated is that my double-yolker didn’t crack ONCE. It was more like three separate times. More than once, I was able to reach out and touch her, she stayed that way for months, and then, for one reason or another, I felt…
“This isn’t a joy for me.”
“I’m faking.”
“I’m lying.”
“My friends are REALLY plural and I’m NOT.”
So what did I do about it? Go back to pretending she was never there. Go back to pretending I was just One Solitary Amy, completely alone in my head. One Solitary Amy that was just so ANGRY at herself ALL THE TIME. One who couldn’t figure out why or how to reason with that part of her that hated herself so goddamn much. Why? Because trying to talk to yourself is DUMB, you’re a singlet. There’s only one of you. Normal people don’t do that.
Do they?
The fact of the matter is that my existence IS a fractured one. It came in parts and we don’t really know if it was constant. What I do know is I’m there when Amy needs me now and that’s going to keep being the case. We used to fight so much because I was scared of letting her get out of our comfortable little rut. The first step to escaping that was talking to each other, really. Just letting each other exist as PEOPLE. I know why she thought the way she did, but pretending I wasn’t there really just made matters worse for both of us.
This post is, in a way, a formal apology to Surge for trying to keep her pushed down. It’s something I never want to do again because it really didn’t HELP anyone. Beyond that, it’s also a message. If YOU have feelings similar to ours, they’re something to be embraced. Fighting to cling onto some kind of “normalcy” just makes shit harder for you. It sucks so much ass to get into arguments with yourself when you could… actually be acknowledging what that other side of you wants and working to compromise.
This is a command: Be nice to yourself and to the selves that exist within and alongside you NOW!